These last 10 days for me has been hell. AF was due to arrive the 17th of this month. I felt the usual symptoms of it coming on but she never showed. I kept it to myself until I was 5 days late-mostly because my husband kept asking if I started too. Well, then he and I stayed realistic that period was coming. We agreed that if it still hadn’t showed by Sunday morning-making that 8 days late-I would take a pregnancy test. I hate those things, i’ve seen more negatives than I want to admit to. I refuse to even waste my money on them anymore. Yet, the time allotted for such seemed reasonable. So, came Sunday morning AF still hadn’t showed our hopes were up but suspiciously weary. The results shown “Not pregnant.” My husband and I were shocked and heartbroken.
I still hadn’t gotten my monthly visitor for 10 days, so what gives? I can’t even begin to explain how broken and empty I feel at this moment. I got my big fat answer this morning. Nope, it is yet another month passing-10 days late. How rude is that? I am never late. The one thing I count on is AF coming to town when she is due. Now am I going to have to endure this torture too? It isn’t enough that there are countless women walking around with swelling bellies. I have lost count of the number because frankly i’m tired of talking about it with them and I am tired of hearing about it. I’m tired of wondering how rude i’m being by not wanting to take part in the conversation of their pregnancy. I just don’t give a flying shit anymore.
I tried to talk to my mother about how I feel. Big fucking mistake. That woman has no sensitivity chip in her body. She says, “eventually you will know how a pregnant woman feels.” No I won’t. She has no idea what it is like to have to alienate yourself from friends who have babies because you are too jealous to be around them during and after pregnancy. No idea what it is like to have a Dr invade your body with medicines and testing and telling your all the things your body is failing you at. No fucking clue. I’m so sick of having to be understanding and patient with those that don’t understand. There are many things in this life I have not had to endure but I can still empathize with those that need me to be. Becoming pregnant will not fix my infertile heart. Yes, I will be enormously happy, but I will never forget what this pain feels like.
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